BERKELEY, CA—Advising poets to remain in their dormitories, offices, and classrooms until the situation was resolved, the University of California, Berkeley declared a campuswide lockdown Thursday after several loose pages from The New Criterion were found on a bench outside the English Department. “At 11:15 this morning, several pages from a poetry review in the New Criterion were found by the statue of Alain Badiou, outside Mao Hall,” said a Campus Police spokeswoman. Appealing for calm, the spokeswoman stressed that while campus security and local police had safely disposed of the pages, there was no way of knowing if others were strewn elsewhere on university grounds, especially after a tattered New Directions copy of Cathay, by Ezra Pound, was reported seen, abandoned, on a table in the Student Union. “As of now, the perpetrator or perpetrators remain at large, so it is vital that you stay where you are until the all-clear is given. In the meantime, notify police or your Department Committee for Safe Speech and the Prevention of Appropriation immediately if you have any information at all regarding this incident.” At press time, a black-clad group of 50 poets bearing a banner for the Bay Area Commune group were throwing bottles at the bench while chanting, “No Nazis, No KKK, No Fascist USA!” When this reporter asked two protestors why they were carrying placards with the haloed image of Gertrude Stein (a former speech writer for Marshal Pétain), the protestors screamed, “FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS!” In related activity, University administrators were reported to be considering revoking the 2017 Commencement Speech invitation to Senator Bernie Sanders, after 12,000 members of the AWP sent a threatening petition regarding comments Sanders has made in defense of the right of conservative English professors to teach the work of the racist Wallace Stevens. 

[With thanks to The Onion]