Charles Beanstock has received a Big Prize and a Statue for services rendered to Recalibrated Humanism. 

It was announced today that Charles Beanstock, former Rector of the Buffalo Poetics Formation and currently CEO of Pobiz International (Third Way Bloc) and Board Chair of the Great Philadelphia Poetry Warehouse, has been awarded a Shiny Statue in recognition of his service as Official Loyal Opposition Verse Culture Poet. Elizabeth Alexander, receiving a Statue for most memorable reading to a U.S. President and Pentagon dignitaries, shared the spotlight with Beanstock on the dais.

A teary Beanstock expressed gratitude to himself for having worked so hard to get a prize he deserved a long time ago. Nevertheless, he ended by offering profuse thanks to the Academy.

He emphasized once again that he has held the Donald T. Regan Chair of English at the University of Pennsylvania for many years now. When asked if he perhaps didn’t feel some unease over the fact that Donald T. Regan was Ronald Reagan’s Secretary of the Treasury, Chief of Staff, and one of the key architects of the State-terror counter-insurgency strategy in Central America during the 1980s, when tens of thousands of mostly indigenous civilians were massacred, Beanstock replied (somewhat cryptically) that, “No, because the days of radical poets spending time and energy protesting campus buildings named after racists ended well before the fall of the Berlin Wall.”

Share prices in the Great Philadelphia Poetry Warehouse went through the roof on news of the award, causing a small but significant rise in battered ConPo stock. A spokesperson for MongPo Unlimited, long thought to be behind a hostile ConPo takeover bid, dismissed the rise as a “white fluctuation,” restating MongPo’s position that ConPo was finished as a viable industry.

Meanwhile, Perloff Critical Solutions International saw a sudden crash of its shares on the market, forcing the company to announce yesterday the layoff of its entire gardening staff before it moves operations to Mexico.