By Kolden Karkrashium

No, the Irish were slaves.

We are the world’s most oppressed race of victims in the history of humanity to have ever been oppressed by the many nasty ‘orrible races of peoples that have tortured enslaved and made Irish people victims since our creation.

I blame the British. I blame Cromwell, I blame Churchill, I blame the Queen, I blame that bastard in a garage on the A59 outside Preston who called me dad Paddy, and in a condescending sneery voice, Mick.

I blame them that stole us from our homes and sold us into slavery. I blame Jack Charlton, I blame Richard Bingham, I blame Henry Bagenal, I blame Walter Raleigh, I blame the Earl of Essex and I blame Cecil Burghley.

I blame John Perrot, I blame Richard Wingfield, I blame George Carew and I blame Walter fuckin Deveraux.

I blame Theresa May, and I blame King Billy, I blame the young, the old, and I blame the eternally ugly. I blame the 12th, the 8th, and I blame Margaret Thatcher, I blame Norman Tebbit, I blame Osama bin Laden, I blame cis-gendered straight white males and I blame Black Tom Butler, I blame Tony Blair and I blame Clowns Without Borders.

I blame the old and the sick and I blame the clever and the witty. I blame the sad and the gay, and I blame those that are pretty, I blame Jeremy Kyle and I blame Jeremy Corbyn, I blame Des Lynham and I blame the Earls of Ormonde.

I blame Henry VIII, I blame Dermot McMurrough, I blame weak mild and I blame strong cider, I blame the BBC and I blame Meghan Markle.

I blame Charles Blount and I blame Annie Sprinkle, I blame the 58 bus and I blame all that makes me blood boil.

I blame Love/Hate and I blame Fair City, I blame Johnny Giles, I blame Eamon Dunphy. I blame those with talent and I blame those who are healthy, I blame the Patriot Inn darts team and I blame Humpy fuckin Dumpty. I blame the Suir Road Luas, I blame three wishes, I blame Hollywood stars, I blame Donnybrook princes, I blame the south side vibe, I blame Knocklyn nobheads, I blame everyone in Leeds and I blame Westminster, I blame Stan Boardman and I blame Seán Ó Riada, I blame Winston Churchill, I blame bloody tourists, I blame pubs in Kent, I blame shopping centres; but most of all, I blame Edmund Spenser.